“I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you.”
–Taylor Swift “Cruel Summer”
In 2017-2018, I was being “stashed” and I didn’t even know the term existed. But I knew it didn’t feel right and definitely didn’t feel good.
All of sudden, the term “stashing” continued to appear in modern dating vernacular. This article popped up in my inbox today, along with this one and this one and countless more over the past couple of years.
Flash back to 2017… I had just returned from Kabul and moved into my new apartment in Woodley Park, Washington, DC. I was job searching and reconnecting with friends and professional contacts I had not seen for months. I was also two months into a new relationship with someone who was very controlling and manipulative.
While we were planning to spend the holidays together, he was very intent on keeping our relationship a secret. He reminded me repeatedly that our mutual friends must not know about our plans. At times when he knew I was meeting up with one of our mutual friends, we would fight for days about what I should say in case his name came up. In hindsight, it was utterly ridiculous. At the time, I thought it was love.
That relationship absolutely drained me, just like many of my previous relationships because they were all toxic and abusive. It’s taken a long time but I finally accept full responsibility for staying. And I’ve finally learned it’s okay to walk away when someone is not adding value to my life but, instead, brings out the worst in me.
The “secret relationship” should have been my first red flag. While staying private in the early stages of a new relationship is normal, going great lengths to hide it from friends and family is an indication that something is not right. He proactively reminded me not to post photos of him or tag him in posts. He even avoided interacting with my Facebook profile to maintain a virtual distance between us in the public eye.
The bigger questions that always weighed on my mind were: “What was he hiding?” And “Who was he hiding me from?” There is a difference between “I want to wait to introduce you to my family in three months when we visit them for the holidays” vs. “You’ll meet my mom in the future eventually… If we run into my sister around town, just act like we’re friends.” The latter is emotional abuse.
Related posts:
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2019/07/31/8-ways-to-spot-a-fuckboy/
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2019/06/10/do-you-need-to-upgrade-your-partners/
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2018/04/19/a-million-reasons/
East to West 