You get to choose your partner; your children do not get to choose their parents

One of the most cathartic experiences I’ve had in therapy in recent years was learning that my father was a narcissist. He only supported me when I was performing an activity or behavior that mirrored his or reflected his own hobbies, dreams, and opinions. When I discovered a liking for art, he spent hundreds of dollars on oil paints, charcoal pencils, and sketch books. It reminded him of his artistic abilities. I only received affection in the form of gifts when I got good grades or had a milestone graduation–these were tangible experiences he could show off to his friends. Otherwise, he left me alone until he wanted a punching bag. There were no hugs, kisses on cheeks, and words of affection. He never got to know me as an individual.

My father was narcissistic, controlling, a flirt and a cheat, self-centered, emotionally immature, and stoic (except when he was upset or angry). He didn’t have that many close friends, but he always had a way of getting close to women. He prioritized these female friends over his family. He eventually chose one of them over us.

He set me up to repeat this toxic relationship later in life. As much as I intentionally, conscientiously tried to avoid men who reminded me of him, I repeated the cycle continuously. A part of me was attracted to men with these qualities because I wanted to fill that void of affection and approval I never got from my father (and my mother as well). In hindsight, many of the men I’ve been in love with were narcissistic, stoic, emotionally immature, or some combination thereof. I married a man who never got to know me as a person but tried to mold me into someone who was a reflection of himself. He used to talk at me about his books and opinions of the world, but my interests and ideas didn’t matter to him unless they overlapped with his. I was there to fill a role, to hold up a mirror, like my father had expected of me.

It’s only been in the last three years that I’ve learned to speak my truth and to recognize that I am an individual person who is to be heard, especially by people who tell me they care about me.

My father has called me a whore and by many other hurtful names that children should never have to hear from their parents and caretakers. So when I choose my partner now, I often ask myself if this person would be a good parent. I ask myself, “Is this someone I want my children around?”

Related post: “Breaking Up With My Father”

Secret Stashes

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Stashing

“I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you.”
–Taylor Swift “Cruel Summer”

In 2017-2018, I was being “stashed” and I didn’t even know the term existed. But I knew it didn’t feel right and definitely didn’t feel good.

All of sudden, the term “stashing” continued to appear in modern dating vernacular. This article popped up in my inbox today, along with this one and this one and countless more over the past couple of years.

Flash back to 2017… I had just returned from Kabul and moved into my new apartment in Woodley Park, Washington, DC. I was job searching and reconnecting with friends and professional contacts I had not seen for months. I was also two months into a new relationship with someone who was very controlling and manipulative.

While we were planning to spend the holidays together, he was very intent on keeping our relationship a secret. He reminded me repeatedly that our mutual friends must not know about our plans. At times when he knew I was meeting up with one of our mutual friends, we would fight for days about what I should say in case his name came up. In hindsight, it was utterly ridiculous. At the time, I thought it was love.

That relationship absolutely drained me, just like many of my previous relationships because they were all toxic and abusive. It’s taken a long time but I finally accept full responsibility for staying. And I’ve finally learned it’s okay to walk away when someone is not adding value to my life but, instead, brings out the worst in me.

The “secret relationship” should have been my first red flag. While staying private in the early stages of a new relationship is normal, going great lengths to hide it from friends and family is an indication that something is not right. He proactively reminded me not to post photos of him or tag him in posts. He even avoided interacting with my Facebook profile to maintain a virtual distance between us in the public eye.

The bigger questions that always weighed on my mind were: “What was he hiding?” And “Who was he hiding me from?” There is a difference between “I want to wait to introduce you to my family in three months when we visit them for the holidays” vs. “You’ll meet my mom in the future eventually… If we run into my sister around town, just act like we’re friends.” The latter is emotional abuse.

Related posts:
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2019/07/31/8-ways-to-spot-a-fuckboy/
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2019/06/10/do-you-need-to-upgrade-your-partners/
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2018/04/19/a-million-reasons/

8 Ways to Spot a Fuckboy

In recent months, I’ve had a number of conversations with my friends (mostly female) of varying ages on the topic of “fuckboys.” After many years of falling for their BS, I’ve finally learned to sniff them out from miles away. So I often get asked “What is a fuckboy and how do you recognize one?” 

 

From https://pizzabottle.com/31723-fuckboy-memes-every-girl-will-understand/

 

Here are 8 telltale signs:

1. Communication is inconsistent. You might hear from him every day and suddenly, poof!–there is just complete silence. Then days later, he reappears. He is ghosting and zombie-ing.
2. He only makes plans for the evenings or late at night. This is his way of scheduling sex, and you can be sure he sent out the same text to at least 2 other girls.
3. There is a lot of love-bombing. He showers you with affection, attention, and romantic gestures, and he talks as though he’s planning a future with you. e.g. He tells you he wants to meet your friends and family, but when the time comes he finds any excuse to get out of it.
4. He is dismissive of your feelings. When you tell him that something is bothering you or when you call him out on his piss poor behavior, he will tell you to get over it or even call you crazy (the latter is gaslighting).
5. He only compliments you on your physical appearance and is apathetic about other aspects of your life. He only sees you as an object–your interests, friends, family, work, and everything else that makes you an individual person doesn’t matter to him; all he cares about is sex.
6. He stashes you. His friends and family don’t know about you; in fact, he lies about his whereabouts to them when he’s with you. He tells you not to post photos of the two of you together on Facebook or even to tag him in posts. He tells you not to bring up his name in conversation if you two share mutual friends. He doesn’t want people to know there’s something going on between you two. He’s ashamed or embarrassed to let others know about you. He can give you any excuse in the world, but at the end of the day, he is keeping his options open. Some of them will even go as far as introducing you to ONE friend just so he can say “You’ve met my best friend,” but you can bet his BFF is in on the game.
7. You only hear from him when he wants something and/or when it’s convenient for him. Your life and your schedule means nothing to him. This dude will cancel on plans at the last minute, or he is infamous for making last-minute plans with you. You’re just one of many options.
8. He doesn’t commit. He can make the most romantic gestures and say all the right things, but if he doesn’t communicate and show that he is completely committed to you and makes sure that you two are exclusive, he is stringing you along until he gets tired of you or meets someone else he’s more interested in (and you can be sure he will show her off proudly instead of stashing her).

In short, their intentions are unclear and their actions do not match their words. They are emotionally unavailable; communication, effort, and emotional investment are normally one-sided in these situationships.

However, both parties must be upfront about their feelings and expectations. Women who fall prey to fuckboys are sometimes cognizant of what’s going on but choose to ignore the red flags. This leads us to standards, expectations, and boundaries which I will save for future posts.