Do you need to upgrade your partners?

As I had mentioned in my last post, I tend to attract abusive and narcissistic people and this has certainly affected my romantic life. Now that I’m finally growing out of the cycle, I’m learning various ways to assess people before I invest further time and energy into building those relationships.

When it comes to dating, some people reveal their true selves right away while it takes time for others to show their true colors. So how do I decide who to let in? If you’re in a similar position as me, here are some questions to ask yourself (and this is in addition to the list in my previous post):

1) Do your communication styles match and jive well together? I’ve met quite a few attractive men who, over time, I’ve come to realized were purely in love with the sound of their own voices. They loved to talk at me, not with me. These were not conversations where each party were fully engaged in the topic at hand; these were monologues, diatribes, soliloquies, and lectures. Perhaps that works fine for some people, but it’s not for me.

2) Do you understand each other’s love language(s)? According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages. You don’t have to have the same love language as your partner, but you must be able to express your love and affection to your partner in his/her love language (and vice versa).

3) Do you share the same or similar life styles? Do you share common interests? I’m not talking about introverts vs. extroverts because there are some introverts who can work a room better any extrovert I know. I’m talking about active-ness and interests. (e.g. A lot of men cannot keep up with my lifestyle and they find it hectic; that’s how I know I’m most compatible with guys who also lead active lives with a lot of interests and hobbies.)

4) Do you share the same or similar values?

5) Do you share the same plans and goals for the future?

6) Does his/her family and friends like you? Do you like them? Do your people like and accept him/her?

7) What does he/she spend their money on? This says a lot about their priorities.

8) Do you travel well together?

9) Do you feel like you need to change him/her or does it feel like he/she is trying to change you? People cannot be changed unless they choose to make the change. A selfless love would never require you to give up an important part of yourself, whether that’s a personality trait, pet, hobby, job, or friend, etc.

10) Is he/she your biggest cheerleader, and vice versa? Does he/she show emotional support during hard times? Does he/she celebrate your successes?

After a series of abusive relationships, I no longer ignore red flags. Sometimes we’re just incompatible, but as soon as I see the following behavior, I run and don’t look back:
1) He talks at me and lectures me. This is not a conversation. This is a controlling behavior and it’s indicative of an unequal partnership if the relationship continues.
2) He starts talking about our future together or using terms of endearment within the first few dates. This is called love-bombing. As soon as he gets what he wants, this guy is going to vanish.
3) Inconsistent communication. He disappears and reappears, whether it’s via text, phone, or in person.
4) He can’t recall important events, dates, or conversations. He doesn’t ask follow-up questions (e.g. How was your cousin’s birthday party last night? How was that work event? Are you feeling better now that the project is over?) Someone who cares will remember the things that are important to me.
5) He pushes boundaries. If I have to say “no” more than once, it’s over.

 

If you suspect abusive behavior in your relationship or in someone else’s, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.