Growing up in an abusive (and sometimes neglectful) home, I was conditioned to scramble for any crumb of love and affection that my parents tossed my way. Naturally, this carried over into my friendships and, starting in my teenage years, my romantic relationships.
After many years of therapy, I’ve finally learned to separate the toxic friends from the real friends. Because my father was a narcissist, I now understand that many former friends whom I had considered “close friends” or “good friends” were actually very narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I was drawn to them because there was a sense of familiarity in the way they spoke to me and treated me.
If you’re wondering whether a friend is toxic, here are some questions you can ask yourself to assess the friendship:
- Do they find ways to put you down? If they say or do hurtful things to you, it demonstrates that they don’t care about your feelings. They’re using you as a punching bag to make up for their own deficiencies and insecurities.
- Do they talk behind your back? When they have a problem with you, do they confront you, or do they give you the silent treatment and shut you out? Not only is this behavior extremely immature, it’s also narcissistic behavior and manipulative.
- Do they know you as an individual Do they know your likes and dislikes?
- Do they integrate you into many parts of their lives, such as introducing you to their significant others or friends from different circles? It’s normal to compartmentalize people from different parts of your life, but if you’ve been friends with someone for many years and see them on a regular basis, you should also cross paths with other friends of theirs. When that happens, how does the friend treat you? How do they introduce you?
- Do they seem to choose other friends over you?
- Do you initiate contact all the time and seem to be the one making plans to meet up? Do they put any effort into making plans with you?
- Does it seem like you only hear from them when they want something?
- Is the spotlight always on them or do they share it with you? Do they support your endeavors and celebrate your successes?
- When you go to them for help, are they there for you or do they brush you off and dismiss you?
- When you draw boundaries, do they apologize or do they start to fade away?
I noticed that once I stopped initiating contact and started drawing boundaries, that was when all of my “dead weight” friends started dropping like flies. Sure, that meant giving up “friends” I had known for 10-20 years, but I was clearing out the trash and clutter to make space for real friends. That meant devoting more time to the friends who have been consistently good to me, friends who are loyal, and friends who supported me. Some of them I had known for 16 years, and some I had known for only one year.
When I meet new people now, I make sure to spend some time to get to know them before I decide if I can call them real friends. Your criteria might look very different from mine, but here’s my checklist:
- Points 1 thru 10 from the list above.
- At meals and in conversations, do they seem to be on their phone constantly?
- Do they ask any questions about me?
- Do they seem arrogant and/or overly competitive?
- Do they have a healthy balance of male and female friends? Are their friends inclusive of all sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, nationalities, etc.?
This is also the beginning of my criteria for romantic partners… More on that in a future post.
East to West 
Great post 🙂