We’ve all heard the label “narcissist” thrown around, but have you ever truly recognized one? How did you deal with him/her?
In clinical therapy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder appears in DSM IV and V, and the basic definition is someone who exhibits “grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment.” (Psychology Today)
Through therapy, I learned that my father was a narcissist. He was only supportive of my endeavors if they mirrored his own personality, interests, and ambitions. When I showed interest in drawing and painting, he happily paid for art supplies. But when I started playing the violin at school, he refused to buy me a violin so I had to continue using loaners from school. Why the difference? Drawing was one of his hobbies, but he didn’t have any interest in the violin. This relationship dynamic characterized many of my relationships throughout my life, including friendships, romantic relationships, and professional relationships.
I had a close friend whom I had known since our sophomore year in college in Manhattan. We shared many common interests and goals, and we remained friends well into our early 30s. The friendship ended when I stopped putting in effort, which meant I stopped giving this person attention and energy–the two things she often leeched from me.
Looking though our 14-year friendship, it’s easy to see in retrospect how toxic it was. I was with her through her worst breakups, which included a high school sweetheart and then her childhood best friend. I answered her tearful phone calls at 2am. I listened to her frustrations at work and gave advice. We confided in each other with our deepest secrets. But when it came time for my life changes (breakups, divorce, grad school, job loss, etc.), she was nowhere to be found. She would tease me about my depression symptoms. She was dismissive about my problems. I attempted to end the friendship when I was in grad school, but I forgave her when she apologized for her behavior. It wasn’t a sincere apology because the toxic behavior continued. One event that continues to stand out to in my memory was my 30th birthday in Miami. Even though we had not seen each other for an extended period because I was now living in DC, she did not show interest in my life. Instead, she was on her phone half the time, responding to work emails and giving off an air of extreme self-importance.
In romantic relationships, I have been involved with personalities very similar to this friend’s. I often felt like I was only there to hold a mirror up to them or to be an audience; they didn’t perceive me as an individual so anyone else could have easily taken my place. They were with me because they were lonely–not because they loved me for me.
At 34, I’ve finally learned how to recognize narcissists without referring to the DSM 5, and I’ve also learned to detach myself from these relationships before they completely drain me. So here are some easy signs to look for:
- They lavish you with attention, affection, and even gifts. This happens intermittently and it’s their way of keeping you attached. In romantic relationships, this is called “lovebombing,” but it also happens in friendships and professional relationships. For example, a colleague can give you a lot of support and attention, but withdraw when a crisis comes up.
- They talk at you and not with you. If they drone on and on about a subject matter, think about whether it would be the same conversation if someone else was in your place. If they’re completely oblivious to or dismissive of your opinions, it’s a monologue or a soliloquy, not a dialogue or conversation. Anyone else can sit in your seat and be an audience member for them
- Related to the point above, when you are speaking, are they fully engaged? If their eyes are wandering or if they’re on their phone, they are not making you a priority like you are treating them. They are not reciprocating the same level of respect you are giving them. Unless they’re a world leader, no one is that important that they can’t set aside an hour without answering text messages or responding to emails.
- Look for an exaggerated and inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement.
- How do they represent themselves on social media? Are they mostly selfies and announcements of achievements? Is it a constant stream of self-promotion?
- They tell you secrets about themselves to forge a false sense of intimacy. Beware of statements that begin with “I haven’t told anyone this…,” “Don’t tell anyone this…,” and “No on else knows this about me…”
- They don’t remember important details about you or things that are important to you, even after you have told them multiple times.
- They forget about the times that you were there for them. I once helped someone take his sick mother to surgery and picked her up afterwards. He never gave me updates on his mom’s health, so a month later when I saw him in person again, I asked him how his mom was doing. It turned out he had completely forgotten the fact that I was even there on that day! (His mom is fine and fully recovered.)
- They make promises but never deliver or follow through. This applies to showing up on time when you make plans together, or sometimes not even showing up at all! I had a friend who stood me up one evening. He did not respond to my text messages and phone calls. I discovered through mutual friends that he had decided to attend a party that same evening but did not tell me. I waited for him for an hour. I never received an apology, and as soon as I stopped contacting this person, I never heard from him again.
- They only reach out when they want something, and that includes attention, but you won’t hear from them to ask how you’re doing. In fact, if you reach out for support, they might even look for an excuse to cut the conversation short.
In closing, a narcissist is self-serving. They only show interest in you when you are able to fill their needs or add to their sense of self-importance. When you are unable to provide what they want or draw boundaries, they will go away. So what happened to that particular friend of mine? I stopped feeding her ego, I started calling her out on her toxic behavior, and I drew boundaries. Her absence has only validated what I’ve known all along, but it has also given me peace.
Resources:
DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders (NYU)
East to West 