Filial Piety and Intergenerational Trauma

In February, my mom stayed with me for two weeks. It was the longest period when the both of us lived under the same roof in a long time. In fact, not since August 2006, 15 years ago. What this visit brought to light is that we’re two very different people. We are the products of our upbringings.

Ironically, she raised me to be very independent and self-sufficient, the exact opposite of her. Her plan for my life was to be a breadwinner (with a career as an accountant or lawyer) AND to marry up so that I can provide for her, and she can live out the rest of her life relying on me.

After the global COVID-19 pandemic started, she kept dropping hints that she wanted to visit me but didn’t want to take public transportation from Brooklyn to DC. Since May 2020, Nick and I made two trips to visit her. This time, in February 2021, we drove round trip to Brooklyn just to pick her up and bring her to our place to stay for two weeks.

Although my mom has been in the US since 1980, she hasn’t learned the language and she refuses to drive. She was always reliant on others and relished the attention. Some call it “princess syndrome”; she’s always waiting for someone to come rescue her. I suspect it gives her a sense of validation and control, getting others to give their time and energy to her.

It’s a very toxic sense of entitlement that many East Asian parents have over their children’s lives. It perpetuates intergenerational trauma. Their wants are put above the needs of their children. Through filial piety, we are burdened with the responsibility and obligation of caring for our parents as they age. Even as first- and second-generation Chinese Americans, many of us find it difficult to break away from this custom.

On the day we came to pick up my mom, we stopped in Brooklyn for only an hour before we got right back into the car to go home. In that short time, she had told my father that I would be at her place, so he was ready and waiting when Nick and I arrived. This was a man I had no relationship with for many years. I had made it known to my mom, yet there he was. As we walked out the door together, she confessed to letting him know that I had arrived and he better hurry over to catch me. “You should speak to him, acknowledge him,” she said. She had failed to protect me, as a child, from my abuser, and she was failing to protect me now.

At our home, she continued the show of disrespecting and ignoring boundaries by interrupting our conversations and asking for help with figuring out simple tasks such as using the microwave. With COVID restrictions still in place, combined with chilly February winter weather, she spent most of the days on this visit confined to the house. I had warned her before her visit that Nick and I was inundated with work and that Nick also had graduate classes and assignments, so she would need to keep herself entertained.

The only activities I saw her engage in was watching TV, socializing on her phone, and cooking. She did not read. She rarely left the house without us (or without Nick’s mom). There was no desire to learn and explore. She was willfully ignorant.

I asked her, “Why haven’t you learned to speak English? You’ve been here for over 40 years.” “I’m too old to learn anything now,” she replied. I insisted, “That’s not true. People can be lifelong learners. Why didn’t you learn how to drive?” “I did. I drove for a year and then I stopped.”

A few months ago, when I brought up how emotionally draining my mom is, my therapist commended me. “People never talk about toxic mothers. It’s taboo. Mothers are to be revered. So people stay quiet about abusive mothers or poor behaviors from moms. But once you start talking about it, you’ll finally grow from it.”

Filial piety or not, I refuse to allow the toxic entitlement, princess syndrome, victim mindset, narcissism, and manipulation to continue. It’s taken many years from my life and contributed to a lot of trauma. Just because someone is blood doesn’t mean boundaries are not necessary. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my mom or care about her, it means I need to make sure we are separated by a minimum of 200 miles at all times.

From the Train to a Plane: Traveling During COVID-19

Last Thursday, Nick and I took our first vacation outside of the DC/MD/VA area since the start of the pandemic. It was the furthest distance I’ve traveled since February when we were in California. As a lifelong wanderer with a career that requires travel, March thru August was the longest period of time I’ve been grounded since I was 18 years old.

When Amtrak announced its BOGO sale for its roomettes, we jumped on it. We chose the overnight route from DC to Chicago. This was Nick’s first overnight train ride, but I’m no stranger to long train rides—I’ve taken overnight trains in Russia, Poland, and other parts of Europe, not to mention a round trip from DC to Montreal a couple of years ago. We landed on Chicago because it wasn’t a COVID hot spot and we did plenty of research to make sure bars and restaurants were offering outdoor dining.

The Amtrak lounge at Union Station, DC

Ever since the start of the pandemic, Nick and I have been practicing physical distancing and we exercise heavy caution when we’re around other people. We don’t do indoor dining and we don’t do crowds (behaviors that are very foreign to both of us as highly active extroverts). Starting in June, Nick has been getting tested regularly. This is a weekly activity he’s quite proud of since DC offers free and accessible COVID testing for residents. (All results have been negative.)

Even before COVID-19, I’m very cautious when I travel. I go overboard with Vitamin C and echinacea to help boost my immune system. I wash my hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before exiting the bathroom, and then I apply hand sanitizer immediately upon returning to my seat. Now during COVID, I’m hyper-aware of where I put my hands: banisters, door knobs, other seats and surfaces, etc. By the time we got off the train, my hands were very dry from washing and hand sanitizer.

We ate all of our meals in the roomette instead of spending time in the dining car.

What was supposed to be a 17-hour overnight train ride took 20 hours due to high heat during the day, heavy rains in the middle of the night, and then getting stuck behind a freight train as we crossed through Indiana. Overall, we felt safe on the train. We only took our face masks off when we were in the roomette. As soon as one of us opened the door, the face masks went back on. The dining car blocked off every other table to ensure physical distancing. I was surprised at how often the bathrooms were cleaned; I almost suspected that the car attendant was on the lookout for passengers entering and exiting the bathrooms. (Nick thoroughly enjoyed the novelty of taking a shower on the train.)

When we felt particularly adventurous, we took a walk through the train, peeking into empty roomettes and larger private rooms that Amtrak calls “bedrooms” and “family bedrooms.” As we walked through the cars, we noticed a lot of empty roomettes and plenty of empty seats in the regular cars.

The eerie emptiness at Union Station, Chicago.

As a Gold Elite with Marriott, I took advantage of a free night at a Marriott property so we stayed at the Hotel Chicago Downtown. The staff member who checked us in said that the hotel had only recently reopened after being closed for three months. (We later learned that many businesses in the downtown area was closed for three months due to riots combined with a reduction in business caused by the pandemic.) All guests and staff are required to wear face masks in public areas and there was hand sanitizer placed throughout the lobby. When we got up to the room, we found a piece of tape on the door that said “Cleaned and sealed for your protection.” I’m not sure why a sticker that could just be lip service provides extra comfort, but at this point we had no choice but have complete faith that the room was COVID-free.

During our time in Chicago, we kept our face masks on whenever we went indoors (the exception being the one below when we were in the Starbucks Roastery). We avoided museums and indoor attractions. In fact, we didn’t spend much time downtown; most of our weekend was spent exploring the surrounding parks, views, and neighborhoods of the Chicago urban sprawl.

The largest Starbuck in the world maintained limited capacity on each of its 5 floors with headcounts.

We flew back on Monday morning on a United flight that was half full. Nick put us on the upgrade list and we got the last two seats in Business Class. All major airlines have made face coverings mandatory for all passengers age 2 and over. United, Delta, Jetblue, and other airlines have made it a point to promote their disinfecting process through promotional emails, social media, travel magazines, and while on board. Even NatGeo attempts to answer the question of “How clean is the air on planes?”

O’Hare felt strangely empty for a Monday morning

It was great to catch up with both old and new friends! The change of scenery and a break from hunkering down in my apartment was much needed for my mental health. I couldn’t give and receive hugs to/from everyone I saw, but even the physically distanced hangouts were good for the soul. We don’t anticipate another long trip for several months which made us appreciate this experience even more.

I know some people will judge us for taking the risk, but I cannot even begin to quantify the hours we had put into planning ahead, doing research, and tracking COVID guidelines. Even in the days leading up to the trip, we knew there was a good chance we would have to cancel if there was a surge in COVID cases in DC and/or Chicago. The consensus from other travelers, travel bloggers, and travel magazines is that advance planning is crucial for traveling during COVID-19. So my advice is to plan well in advance, continue to maintain physical distancing, wear face masks, wash your hands properly, and be kind to others as we’re all living through collective trauma right now.

You get to choose your partner; your children do not get to choose their parents

One of the most cathartic experiences I’ve had in therapy in recent years was learning that my father was a narcissist. He only supported me when I was performing an activity or behavior that mirrored his or reflected his own hobbies, dreams, and opinions. When I discovered a liking for art, he spent hundreds of dollars on oil paints, charcoal pencils, and sketch books. It reminded him of his artistic abilities. I only received affection in the form of gifts when I got good grades or had a milestone graduation–these were tangible experiences he could show off to his friends. Otherwise, he left me alone until he wanted a punching bag. There were no hugs, kisses on cheeks, and words of affection. He never got to know me as an individual.

My father was narcissistic, controlling, a flirt and a cheat, self-centered, emotionally immature, and stoic (except when he was upset or angry). He didn’t have that many close friends, but he always had a way of getting close to women. He prioritized these female friends over his family. He eventually chose one of them over us.

He set me up to repeat this toxic relationship later in life. As much as I intentionally, conscientiously tried to avoid men who reminded me of him, I repeated the cycle continuously. A part of me was attracted to men with these qualities because I wanted to fill that void of affection and approval I never got from my father (and my mother as well). In hindsight, many of the men I’ve been in love with were narcissistic, stoic, emotionally immature, or some combination thereof. I married a man who never got to know me as a person but tried to mold me into someone who was a reflection of himself. He used to talk at me about his books and opinions of the world, but my interests and ideas didn’t matter to him unless they overlapped with his. I was there to fill a role, to hold up a mirror, like my father had expected of me.

It’s only been in the last three years that I’ve learned to speak my truth and to recognize that I am an individual person who is to be heard, especially by people who tell me they care about me.

My father has called me a whore and by many other hurtful names that children should never have to hear from their parents and caretakers. So when I choose my partner now, I often ask myself if this person would be a good parent. I ask myself, “Is this someone I want my children around?”

Related post: “Breaking Up With My Father”

Secret Stashes

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Stashing

“I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you.”
–Taylor Swift “Cruel Summer”

In 2017-2018, I was being “stashed” and I didn’t even know the term existed. But I knew it didn’t feel right and definitely didn’t feel good.

All of sudden, the term “stashing” continued to appear in modern dating vernacular. This article popped up in my inbox today, along with this one and this one and countless more over the past couple of years.

Flash back to 2017… I had just returned from Kabul and moved into my new apartment in Woodley Park, Washington, DC. I was job searching and reconnecting with friends and professional contacts I had not seen for months. I was also two months into a new relationship with someone who was very controlling and manipulative.

While we were planning to spend the holidays together, he was very intent on keeping our relationship a secret. He reminded me repeatedly that our mutual friends must not know about our plans. At times when he knew I was meeting up with one of our mutual friends, we would fight for days about what I should say in case his name came up. In hindsight, it was utterly ridiculous. At the time, I thought it was love.

That relationship absolutely drained me, just like many of my previous relationships because they were all toxic and abusive. It’s taken a long time but I finally accept full responsibility for staying. And I’ve finally learned it’s okay to walk away when someone is not adding value to my life but, instead, brings out the worst in me.

The “secret relationship” should have been my first red flag. While staying private in the early stages of a new relationship is normal, going great lengths to hide it from friends and family is an indication that something is not right. He proactively reminded me not to post photos of him or tag him in posts. He even avoided interacting with my Facebook profile to maintain a virtual distance between us in the public eye.

The bigger questions that always weighed on my mind were: “What was he hiding?” And “Who was he hiding me from?” There is a difference between “I want to wait to introduce you to my family in three months when we visit them for the holidays” vs. “You’ll meet my mom in the future eventually… If we run into my sister around town, just act like we’re friends.” The latter is emotional abuse.

Related posts:
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2019/07/31/8-ways-to-spot-a-fuckboy/
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2019/06/10/do-you-need-to-upgrade-your-partners/
https://amychin.wordpress.com/2018/04/19/a-million-reasons/

8 Ways to Spot a Fuckboy

In recent months, I’ve had a number of conversations with my friends (mostly female) of varying ages on the topic of “fuckboys.” After many years of falling for their BS, I’ve finally learned to sniff them out from miles away. So I often get asked “What is a fuckboy and how do you recognize one?” 

 

From https://pizzabottle.com/31723-fuckboy-memes-every-girl-will-understand/

 

Here are 8 telltale signs:

1. Communication is inconsistent. You might hear from him every day and suddenly, poof!–there is just complete silence. Then days later, he reappears. He is ghosting and zombie-ing.
2. He only makes plans for the evenings or late at night. This is his way of scheduling sex, and you can be sure he sent out the same text to at least 2 other girls.
3. There is a lot of love-bombing. He showers you with affection, attention, and romantic gestures, and he talks as though he’s planning a future with you. e.g. He tells you he wants to meet your friends and family, but when the time comes he finds any excuse to get out of it.
4. He is dismissive of your feelings. When you tell him that something is bothering you or when you call him out on his piss poor behavior, he will tell you to get over it or even call you crazy (the latter is gaslighting).
5. He only compliments you on your physical appearance and is apathetic about other aspects of your life. He only sees you as an object–your interests, friends, family, work, and everything else that makes you an individual person doesn’t matter to him; all he cares about is sex.
6. He stashes you. His friends and family don’t know about you; in fact, he lies about his whereabouts to them when he’s with you. He tells you not to post photos of the two of you together on Facebook or even to tag him in posts. He tells you not to bring up his name in conversation if you two share mutual friends. He doesn’t want people to know there’s something going on between you two. He’s ashamed or embarrassed to let others know about you. He can give you any excuse in the world, but at the end of the day, he is keeping his options open. Some of them will even go as far as introducing you to ONE friend just so he can say “You’ve met my best friend,” but you can bet his BFF is in on the game.
7. You only hear from him when he wants something and/or when it’s convenient for him. Your life and your schedule means nothing to him. This dude will cancel on plans at the last minute, or he is infamous for making last-minute plans with you. You’re just one of many options.
8. He doesn’t commit. He can make the most romantic gestures and say all the right things, but if he doesn’t communicate and show that he is completely committed to you and makes sure that you two are exclusive, he is stringing you along until he gets tired of you or meets someone else he’s more interested in (and you can be sure he will show her off proudly instead of stashing her).

In short, their intentions are unclear and their actions do not match their words. They are emotionally unavailable; communication, effort, and emotional investment are normally one-sided in these situationships.

However, both parties must be upfront about their feelings and expectations. Women who fall prey to fuckboys are sometimes cognizant of what’s going on but choose to ignore the red flags. This leads us to standards, expectations, and boundaries which I will save for future posts.

Do you need to upgrade your partners?

As I had mentioned in my last post, I tend to attract abusive and narcissistic people and this has certainly affected my romantic life. Now that I’m finally growing out of the cycle, I’m learning various ways to assess people before I invest further time and energy into building those relationships.

When it comes to dating, some people reveal their true selves right away while it takes time for others to show their true colors. So how do I decide who to let in? If you’re in a similar position as me, here are some questions to ask yourself (and this is in addition to the list in my previous post):

1) Do your communication styles match and jive well together? I’ve met quite a few attractive men who, over time, I’ve come to realized were purely in love with the sound of their own voices. They loved to talk at me, not with me. These were not conversations where each party were fully engaged in the topic at hand; these were monologues, diatribes, soliloquies, and lectures. Perhaps that works fine for some people, but it’s not for me.

2) Do you understand each other’s love language(s)? According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages. You don’t have to have the same love language as your partner, but you must be able to express your love and affection to your partner in his/her love language (and vice versa).

3) Do you share the same or similar life styles? Do you share common interests? I’m not talking about introverts vs. extroverts because there are some introverts who can work a room better any extrovert I know. I’m talking about active-ness and interests. (e.g. A lot of men cannot keep up with my lifestyle and they find it hectic; that’s how I know I’m most compatible with guys who also lead active lives with a lot of interests and hobbies.)

4) Do you share the same or similar values?

5) Do you share the same plans and goals for the future?

6) Does his/her family and friends like you? Do you like them? Do your people like and accept him/her?

7) What does he/she spend their money on? This says a lot about their priorities.

8) Do you travel well together?

9) Do you feel like you need to change him/her or does it feel like he/she is trying to change you? People cannot be changed unless they choose to make the change. A selfless love would never require you to give up an important part of yourself, whether that’s a personality trait, pet, hobby, job, or friend, etc.

10) Is he/she your biggest cheerleader, and vice versa? Does he/she show emotional support during hard times? Does he/she celebrate your successes?

After a series of abusive relationships, I no longer ignore red flags. Sometimes we’re just incompatible, but as soon as I see the following behavior, I run and don’t look back:
1) He talks at me and lectures me. This is not a conversation. This is a controlling behavior and it’s indicative of an unequal partnership if the relationship continues.
2) He starts talking about our future together or using terms of endearment within the first few dates. This is called love-bombing. As soon as he gets what he wants, this guy is going to vanish.
3) Inconsistent communication. He disappears and reappears, whether it’s via text, phone, or in person.
4) He can’t recall important events, dates, or conversations. He doesn’t ask follow-up questions (e.g. How was your cousin’s birthday party last night? How was that work event? Are you feeling better now that the project is over?) Someone who cares will remember the things that are important to me.
5) He pushes boundaries. If I have to say “no” more than once, it’s over.

 

If you suspect abusive behavior in your relationship or in someone else’s, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Do you need to upgrade your friends?

Growing up in an abusive (and sometimes neglectful) home, I was conditioned to scramble for any crumb of love and affection that my parents tossed my way. Naturally, this carried over into my friendships and, starting in my teenage years, my romantic relationships.

After many years of therapy, I’ve finally learned to separate the toxic friends from the real friends. Because my father was a narcissist, I now understand that many former friends whom I had considered “close friends” or “good friends” were actually very narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I was drawn to them because there was a sense of familiarity in the way they spoke to me and treated me.

If you’re wondering whether a friend is toxic, here are some questions you can ask yourself to assess the friendship:

1. Do they find ways to put you down? If they say or do hurtful things to you, it demonstrates that they don’t care about your feelings. They’re using you as a punching bag to make up for their own deficiencies and insecurities.
2. Do they talk behind your back? When they have a problem with you, do they confront you, or do they give you the silent treatment and shut you out? Not only is this behavior extremely immature, it’s also narcissistic behavior and manipulative.
3. Do they know you as an individual Do they know your likes and dislikes?
4. Do they integrate you into many parts of their lives, such as introducing you to their significant others or friends from different circles? It’s normal to compartmentalize people from different parts of your life, but if you’ve been friends with someone for many years and see them on a regular basis, you should also cross paths with other friends of theirs. When that happens, how does the friend treat you? How do they introduce you?
5. Do they seem to choose other friends over you?
6. Do you initiate contact all the time and seem to be the one making plans to meet up? Do they put any effort into making plans with you?
7. Does it seem like you only hear from them when they want something?
8. Is the spotlight always on them or do they share it with you? Do they support your endeavors and celebrate your successes?
9. When you go to them for help, are they there for you or do they brush you off and dismiss you?
10. When you draw boundaries, do they apologize or do they start to fade away?

I noticed that once I stopped initiating contact and started drawing boundaries, that was when all of my “dead weight” friends started dropping like flies. Sure, that meant giving up “friends” I had known for 10-20 years, but I was clearing out the trash and clutter to make space for real friends. That meant devoting more time to the friends who have been consistently good to me, friends who are loyal, and friends who supported me. Some of them I had known for 16 years, and some I had known for only one year.

When I meet new people now, I make sure to spend some time to get to know them before I decide if I can call them real friends. Your criteria might look very different from mine, but here’s my checklist:

1. Points 1 thru 10 from the list above.
2. At meals and in conversations, do they seem to be on their phone constantly?
3. Do they ask any questions about me?
4. Do they seem arrogant and/or overly competitive?
5. Do they have a healthy balance of male and female friends? Are their friends inclusive of all sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, nationalities, etc.?

This is also the beginning of my criteria for romantic partners… More on that in a future post.

Reflections on 2018

2017 was about change and transitions. I felt like everything was beyond my control and I was just going along for the ride. 2018 was about transformation and intent. I have more control of my life and I’m enjoying a sense of freedom I’ve never felt before.

This year, I had to unlearn everything I was taught about love and relationships (including friendships). I was too used to chaos, too comfortable with being lied to, too familiar with abuse and disrespect. I finally understand that “familiar” doesn’t always mean “safe.”

Even the person I see today in the mirror is an entirely different person. She’s more confident, more self-assured, she has strong boundaries, she’s more vocal than ever, and she doesn’t put up with any BS. If this person was around 10-20 years ago, a lot of the people I had allowed into my life would not have stuck around for as long as they did. There’s no doubt many of my “friends,” acquaintances, and romantic partners would have looked very different. They would have been less selfish, less toxic, more honest, more reliable, and more positive.

This was most noticeable during the holiday season. Normally, my Seasonal Affective Disorder flares up as soon as the sun starts to set earlier; and then it escalates to depressive episodes and major anxiety. This fall, I hardly experienced any of that. It’s a first for me. Instead, I’ve been overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and freedom.

I sometimes don’t recognize the woman in the mirror and in pictures. When she speaks, I’m blown away by her newfound assertiveness and boldness. I love her. It’s taken 3 decades but I’m happy I’ve finally discovered and accepted her now.

Thank you to all the wonderful people who’s always known she was there, even long before I had fully accepted her. I love you all!

A Fame Game

We’ve all heard the label “narcissist” thrown around, but have you ever truly recognized one? How did you deal with him/her?

In clinical therapy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder appears in DSM IV and V, and the basic definition is someone who exhibits “grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment.” (Psychology Today)

Through therapy, I learned that my father was a narcissist. He was only supportive of my endeavors if they mirrored his own personality, interests, and ambitions. When I showed interest in drawing and painting, he happily paid for art supplies. But when I started playing the violin at school, he refused to buy me a violin so I had to continue using loaners from school. Why the difference? Drawing was one of his hobbies, but he didn’t have any interest in the violin. This relationship dynamic characterized many of my relationships throughout my life, including friendships, romantic relationships, and professional relationships.

I had a close friend whom I had known since our sophomore year in college in Manhattan. We shared many common interests and goals, and we remained friends well into our early 30s. The friendship ended when I stopped putting in effort, which meant I stopped giving this person attention and energy–the two things she often leeched from me.

Looking though our 14-year friendship, it’s easy to see in retrospect how toxic it was. I was with her through her worst breakups, which included a high school sweetheart and then her childhood best friend. I answered her tearful phone calls at 2am. I listened to her frustrations at work and gave advice. We confided in each other with our deepest secrets. But when it came time for my life changes (breakups, divorce, grad school, job loss, etc.), she was nowhere to be found. She would tease me about my depression symptoms. She was dismissive about my problems. I attempted to end the friendship when I was in grad school, but I forgave her when she apologized for her behavior. It wasn’t a sincere apology because the toxic behavior continued. One event that continues to stand out to in my memory was my 30th birthday in Miami. Even though we had not seen each other for an extended period because I was now living in DC, she did not show interest in my life. Instead, she was on her phone half the time, responding to work emails and giving off an air of extreme self-importance.

In romantic relationships, I have been involved with personalities very similar to this friend’s. I often felt like I was only there to hold a mirror up to them or to be an audience; they didn’t perceive me as an individual so anyone else could have easily taken my place. They were with me because they were lonely–not because they loved me for me.

At 34, I’ve finally learned how to recognize narcissists without referring to the DSM 5, and I’ve also learned to detach myself from these relationships before they completely drain me. So here are some easy signs to look for:

1. They lavish you with attention, affection, and even gifts. This happens intermittently and it’s their way of keeping you attached. In romantic relationships, this is called “lovebombing,” but it also happens in friendships and professional relationships. For example, a colleague can give you a lot of support and attention, but withdraw when a crisis comes up.
2. They talk at you and not with you. If they drone on and on about a subject matter, think about whether it would be the same conversation if someone else was in your place. If they’re completely oblivious to or dismissive of your opinions, it’s a monologue or a soliloquy, not a dialogue or conversation. Anyone else can sit in your seat and be an audience member for them
3. Related to the point above, when you are speaking, are they fully engaged? If their eyes are wandering or if they’re on their phone, they are not making you a priority like you are treating them. They are not reciprocating the same level of respect you are giving them. Unless they’re a world leader, no one is that important that they can’t set aside an hour without answering text messages or responding to emails.
4. Look for an exaggerated and inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement.
5. How do they represent themselves on social media? Are they mostly selfies and announcements of achievements? Is it a constant stream of self-promotion?
6. They tell you secrets about themselves to forge a false sense of intimacy. Beware of statements that begin with “I haven’t told anyone this…,” “Don’t tell anyone this…,” and “No on else knows this about me…”
7. They don’t remember important details about you or things that are important to you, even after you have told them multiple times.
8. They forget about the times that you were there for them. I once helped someone take his sick mother to surgery and picked her up afterwards. He never gave me updates on his mom’s health, so a month later when I saw him in person again, I asked him how his mom was doing. It turned out he had completely forgotten the fact that I was even there on that day! (His mom is fine and fully recovered.)
9. They make promises but never deliver or follow through. This applies to showing up on time when you make plans together, or sometimes not even showing up at all! I had a friend who stood me up one evening. He did not respond to my text messages and phone calls. I discovered through mutual friends that he had decided to attend a party that same evening but did not tell me. I waited for him for an hour. I never received an apology, and as soon as I stopped contacting this person, I never heard from him again.
10. They only reach out when they want something, and that includes attention, but you won’t hear from them to ask how you’re doing. In fact, if you reach out for support, they might even look for an excuse to cut the conversation short.

In closing, a narcissist is self-serving. They only show interest in you when you are able to fill their needs or add to their sense of self-importance. When you are unable to provide what they want or draw boundaries, they will go away. So what happened to that particular friend of mine? I stopped feeding her ego, I started calling her out on her toxic behavior, and I drew boundaries. Her absence has only validated what I’ve known all along, but it has also given me peace.

Resources:

DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders (NYU)

Narcissistic personality disorder (Mayo Clinic)

Reorienting the Discourse on Narcissism

A Single Drop

This blog post was originally published on Mind Field’s website on September 4, 2018.

“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.” –Mother Teresa

It was almost 5am and I was awake again, the third time since I had gotten into bed at 12:30am (Kabul time). This was now happening every night. My heart started to race, but it was heavy. It felt like I was trying to sprint while dragging a sandbag behind me. Bits and pieces of conversations, emails, and Skype messages floated through my head. I loved my job, but… What was I doing here?

I was familiar with this feeling of helplessness. The first time it happened was in July 2010 during my first trip to Kosovo. I had just finished my first year of grad school and I was transitioning from a 7-year career in marketing to what I hoped would be a fruitful and more fulfilling career in human rights and international development. I wanted to do more, or as my best friend put it, ”save the world.”

I was laying in bed on a hot summer night. I had my window opened because there was no air conditioning. A 5-month old kitten cuddled up to my pillow, adding to the heat. It was my second month in Kosovo. And almost every day, I was asking myself, “What am I doing here?”

Although for the past 12 months I had been learning about the country, studying the dissolution of the Former Republic of Yugoslavia, and writing about the ethnic cleansing that took place in the ‘90s, I still felt ill prepared for the onslaught of firsthand accounts and stories. As a part of my research internship at a local women’s rights NGO, I read and heard countless stories of rape, sexual assault, and other forms of gender-based violence–not just during the years of conflict, but also after and into the present day. As a rape survivor myself, I empathized with these women, but I felt completely helpless. What can I do? Nothing. I collected their stories and wrote them on paper–they were reduced to just stats, mere numbers in yet another report or fact sheet.

Seven years later, I find myself in Kabul, and the exact same feeling of helplessness was once again keeping me up at night. Security threats cut our work days short. The women in the office confided in me about their hectic lives at home, the abuse they put up with at work from their male colleagues, all the incidents of sexual harassment that went unreported. Amongst the men, there were constant accusations against one another on a litany of matters–favoritism, kickbacks, fraudulent receipts, etc. Meanwhile, outside of the office, there were explosions, shootings, kidnappings, and threats of impending attacks. So what am I doing here?

As a part of my most recent role on a development project in Afghanistan, I managed a team of six local staff, two of whom were women. There was Zakia, a young woman in her mid-twenties who was outspoken and very bright. And there was Shirin, a woman in her late twenties who was supporting two toddlers at home, an unemployed husband, and parents-in-law. Every day when she left for work, Shirin’s mother-in-law would berate her and call her a bad mother for “abandoning her children to pursue a career” even though she was the sole income-earner in the household. When she arrived home in the evenings, her mother-in-law would continue the verbal abuse and make other demands of her. Unlike Zakia, who carried herself with her head held high and spoke with great confidence, Shirin held her head low, her shoulders slouched, and she was soft-spoken. Zakia was often reported by her male colleagues for “unruly behavior and unprofessional outbursts” because she was not shy about standing up for herself. In comparison, Shirin would tolerate all forms of disrespect, even from those junior to her, and then vented to me in my office behind closed doors. In Zakia’s case, I advised her to come to me if a conversation escalates. With Shirin, I told her to try to speak up first and push back. I encouraged her to speak up at meetings, even if it was just one comment. Eventually, that one comment turned into lengthier conversations.

At the end of August, a month before the project ended, the first two people (out of a staff of 32) who immediately found new jobs were Zakia and Shirin. I like to think they got the jobs on their own volition and merit, but I also wonder how much of a positive impact my mentorship had on them. After I had left Kabul, each sent me very long thank you notes. Shirin sent me multiple thank you messages. She told me even her mother-in-law had toned down her abuse.

This is what I remind myself whenever I read a headline posing a problem too big to tackle, such as ISIS attacks, high-level corruption, and horrific GBV cases. I can’t singlehandedly end corruption in a country or provide jobs for everyone who needs one. I can’t save the world, but if I can help just one person at a time, I am already making a difference in that person’s world.